more dragons to slay
mommy and baby miles. photo katrina martin davenport, 2006. miles slept for 6 hours straight last night. i have not had that much sleep in four and a half months. when he did wake up to eat, i couldn't go back to sleep. i got up to pump excess milk at three am. and found my mind full of the chorus of weepies songs repeating and my ADD in full swing. i am thinking about fearlessness since yesterday's post. some of my sisters in this covey of artistes speak of fear often. as do i. all of the ruling queens have been speaking of it for ages. we have to visit with new fears, old fears, others' fears so often in this life. one of the questions i am asking myself many times per day is "who would i be without this fear?" and then, "who could i be without this fear?" and also "can i think of one stress free reason to keep this fear?" my inspiration for asking these questions is straight from the woman who made friends with the wind, byron katie. while you may not resonate with katie's method, one cannot deny how powerful her questions can be. i find her to be a helpful friend when i am trying to change someone or hold someone else accountable for what i need to give to myself. check her out if you are in a place like this. so i've taken her idea and applied it to fear. and today i feel like a matador. i don't feel that my own artwork is affected by fear, i do not suffer the blank canvas deer-in-the-headlights syndrome. where fear cripples me is in my ability to be a visionary on my own behalf. i linger without goals, because, what if i say i'm going to do something and i don't? there is nothing worse than that, right?? and we've been there before. that uncomfortable land of "i thought i wanted to be a writer, but now i want to paint...", etc. i see my intergrity crumbling as i make these fanciful promises to myself and don't follow through. are there any other creative people out there who go through this besides me? i want to commit to slaying fear in its tracks. before it makes me judge myself for changing my heart. before it finds me idle, right where it wants me, with few goals and a paralyzed sense of artistic value, playing small to avoid getting hurt.... tell me about your fear!!