home is where the art is

Collage 8/11/05

The collective manifestation worked. An offer was made on our house and we opened escrow today. How quickly things can change just when I felt I was going to be here until next Spring...

So I am now in a place of limbo, (those of you who know me know that this is a veritable purgatory for me), waiting for the emotional reality to settle in that I will be leaving this place, moving on to another and having my baby boy that very week. Searching for rentals in the San Joaquin Valley this time of year is going to be so fun! The reasons we are leaving the woods and moving to the valley below are so many: we'd like to be closer to family, we are overhauling our finances, resources are more plentiful there, etc. All of the logical stuff makes sense.

What is odd to me is the fact that I have the unconscious ability to block out how I feel about a thing until I feel stable and safe enough to handle the reality of it. It is not my mind who decides when it is okay to accept and begin to deal. I think it must be my intuitive senses or my body or something. Whatever the case, I am aware that I am here: in limbo, waiting for my feelings to make themselves known.

In the meantime, I'm having quite the creative burst. I spent all of yesterday collaging, playing with molding paste, gold dust, 3D paint. When I think about creating a safe haven within myself, it reminds me of so many things. Like approaching the birth of my son. Using hypnotherapy, I am working with creating a safe place in my head and my body so that no matter where I'm at or how frightened I might feel, I will be able to counter the fear with a built-in safety mechanism. Making art is the same thing. Whenever I feel a little threatened or ungrounded, as if something might be taken from me that I cherish, making art brings me back to a place where I can know myself again and confidently be at home (and at peace) wherever I'm at.


Blogger Swirly said...

I understand what you mean about feelings coming out - REAL feelings - when they are darn good and ready. I've learned to be patient with these things (although sometimes I probably resist a bit when they begin to come forth) and I am still learning to let go when they do arise and go with them. It isn't easy letting all those tears flow, but I always feel better after I've moved through it.

I am with you!!

8/13/2005 08:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Feisty said...

Any collage with Tori in it gets me to smile!

Hypnotherapy sounds really interesting -- perhaps that's something I should look into for my anxiety. Are hypnotherapists easy to find?

8/13/2005 09:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Keri Smith said...

I love love love this post. (somehow I missed it before, i am so glad i found it today.)

after a rough week last week i sat down on the floor in my studio and made mini collages, (not thinking, not worrying, just being). I felt so much better after.

I am one who worries, "what if i can't create in the new place?" which is silly i know. creating is who i am, it cannot be any other way. it was so good to read the line, "making art brings me back to a place where I can know myself again and confidently be at home (and at peace) wherever I'm at."

all i have to do is get down on the floor and play for a while. there is nothing else.

the three of us going through these transitions at the same time is a great gift. everytime i feel the panic creeping in i remember that i am not alone. this transition is a part of my path even though i don't know exactly where i am headed. even though i feel scared and out of control at times (a lot of the time). i feel so much stronger knowing that you girls are also willing to do the difficult thing because that is what it means to live a full life (to me), even though I resist.

because the alternative is that we sit on the couch from here on in with the remote, eating chips, brushing the crumbs out of our cleavage, not giving ourselves new experiences, letting other's tell us which products will give us meaning and what we need live a fulfilled life.

there is no choice here. either we change, or we wither.

8/17/2005 12:39:00 PM  
Blogger kristen said...

this piece is fabulous.

9/27/2005 08:50:00 PM  

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