7/27/2005

creating openings part one

Get a load of that mug. Isn't she the picture of feminine beauty? Dang! I love dogs. I like to kiss 'em all day and into the night. And I love beginning these posts with "Dang!". I began writing a long diatribe about ego and humility today, in the context of some of the things that are coming up around me. I sacked it. I will say that I'm in favor of humility and though I understand that ego is trying to protect me, it generally stems from emotional baggage that I can afford to leave behind at the station. Being "with frog" is quite the humbling situation. For one who loves to plan, control, speculate outcomes, and know, great vulnerability is occuring now. There is no way to tell if my baby is going to turn head down for his birthday, if there will be complications, if I will be allowed to labor in a giant tub in my own home until he arrives, if he will be early or late, if the doctor will have to be involved. Under normal circumstances, this would cause me great suffering not to know. But what the heck can I do????!! Just humbly accept that I can't know. To be fair, I don't fret about this often. And I'm not fretting about it today. The letting go process began much earlier than this: before I could feel him kicking every 5 minutes you can imagine how I wondered about whether he was alright in there. Let go. Trust. Kiss a dog's lips. Allowing vulnerability is not a virtue of our American culture. Being exposed to danger in any form is um....undesirable. Perhaps this is why pregnancy and the business of family-making can be so frustrating. And so medicalized. We want what we want the way we want it and on this date. To allow the process to unfold in its own splendorous way would leave too much to the unknown. Whereas being vulnerable invites the unknown to come on in for tea and sympathy. I'm very interested to hear if anyone embraces the feeling of being emotionally naked for an experience. What could be the benefits? What openings might be created? I'm inviting you...

4 Comments:

Blogger Nicole said...

Pink Coyote:

Re: being emotionally naked for an experience: I do it often, or rather, this happens a lot in my life. It's not always comfortable. Especially when my body/mind is not in the present moment, is caught up in hopes and fears. It can be awful until I finally let go--like water. Through the discomfort I embrace all the sensations occuring in body/mind. As water, I can smile, laugh and enjoy things as they are in the present moment and be tender with my pain. As stone, I hold my breath, scrunch up my forehead, and think too much until my head hurts and my heart is pounding in anxiety. The two might alternate in me throughout the day--moments of being present, moments of dispersal in an imagined future or failed past. It's funny how we humans always try to grasp onto something solid, try to replace what we lost (a perception of loss), instead of allowing the flow.

The benefits of being vulnerable/being willing to grow: adventure, pilgrimage of the heart, being open like a child again, ready to di(v)e into life. I've made it through each experience of "danger"--and there have been many--I will come through the present one, too. I don't know where I am going or how I will get there. I just know that I have begun a journey.
I had a shiatsu treatment yesterday (shiatsu is Japanese acupressure massage). I had been experiencing weeks of insomnia. My entire life I have been a good sleeper (even as a baby I was always a good sleeper, my mother reminded me today). Along with the insomnia, I have experienced stress, anxiety, holding my breath, holding in my bodily fluids. All due to this process of getting my MA degree (I have been in the final stage of writing the portfolio, like a thesis but bigger). Not surprisingly, my shiatsu therapist recommended I follow my intuition, let go, and continue to be gentle with myself. So, this is what is happening: I am letting go of a dream, allowing that maybe the dream wasn't 'right' for me, allowing for huge feelings of failure, acknowledging that I have gained in knowledge and understanding in the field (educational linguistics/TESOL/teaching), and that I need to follow my heart and intuition right now and let it go. Let it go. I don't know where this path will lead from here. I know I have to follow my heart. Failure is humbling.

Babies emerge when they are ready--if allowed to emerge naturally. Yes, trust in the unknown is essential when birthing something (or someone).

7/27/2005 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger Swirly said...

A few years ago I went through a divorce, which was full of drama for a myriad of reasons. Many months after, I heard through the grapevine that my ex had a new girlfriend. Upon hearing this, I was devastated (which was totally weird because I had been dating someone else for way longer.) I went home and sobbed like I had never sobbed, and I told myself I was never going to allow myself to love that deeply again, because I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again.

That night I had a dream, which I believe was a moment where God stepped in and gave me a message. (Maybe we all have one or two moments in our lives when God pays us a visit.) In the dream, I was in hell. It wasn't all flames and demons. It was just GRAY - emptiness, black, everything dead and ashy. It was nothingness. I woke up the next day and knew I had to continue opening my heart to love fully and completely. If I did not, I would not only hurt myself in this life, but I would then go on to another existence that was this gray, lifeless place. Refusing to embrace love would continue to hurt me beyond this life.

Ever since then, I have tried my hardest to stay emotionally naked and take risks in love. There are times when I choose to protect myself - and this is OK - but before I get there I try whatever I can to be as open as possible. Whenever I can, I choose love, even if it feels risky.

And I have never felt so deeply content in my entire life.

7/28/2005 09:42:00 AM  
Blogger pinkcoyote said...

beautiful analogies and imagery, both of you. what a treat to wake up and see that you came for tea! naked as jay birds! we must keep opening even when it is risky.

7/28/2005 10:00:00 AM  
Anonymous keri Smith said...

god, this post and these comments are beautiful.

(and to think I was just going to post and say I Love Hank.)

8/01/2005 03:08:00 PM  

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