creating openings part two

Today is a vulnerable day. It is the day to face those things inside that I have been allowing myself to be distracted from. I am disconnected from myself and am ready to reconnect and experience vibrancy again in some way. I believe we all have a particular "business" with the universe. Kind of like our lesson that has to be learned over and over and sometimes doesn't get easier with time, as one would expect. It is becoming clearer that my business with the universe is about control, and letting the most difficult things just be difficult. And then learning how not to take them personally. Sometimes I observe things in the world or in my environment that make me feel so uncomfortable or angry- like when intimate loved ones betray each other or the way people can scarf down food with no regard for where it came from or who labored to bring it to them. This usually leads to judgement. A trap for myself, really. My issue today is about judging myself. You see, even if I have no control over the outcome of a situation, I could choose to allow myself to feel like I've failed (me and another) even though I am not responsible for the outcome. I apologize for being elusive. I hope to clarify this "issue" later, when I have had more time to work through it. The operative concept here is that I have a choice in the matter. Enter ego. In the spirit of creating vast openings, I am recognizing that I create suffering when I apply pressure to myself to control those things I cannot. For me, to open is to let go. To surrender-to hold tight to an idea or an expectation is to suffocate it with ego and leave no room for change or positive evolution. I am off to stare down that fear that threatens to leave me closed and feeling fail. Down, down to visit the dreaded slimy swamp hag with oozing sores and maggots in her hair. I wish someone prettier had the answers, but it is not to be.