judgement

i am officially declaring it my deep medicine in life. all of my teachers, chosen and unchosen, are showing me this potential poison. i am at the point where i can feel it physically rising up in me. sometimes the results are positive and sometimes negative. i know it is connected to being a sponge for material. i am an observer-i notice everything. the minute details do not usually slip past me. next step, i immediately form an opinion (note narcissism): i love it, i hate it, its mediocre, its the best ever, i have mixed feelings. operating like a feeling-meter, i am trying to make sense and meaning of the stimulus i come into contact with. this seems at this moment, a boring as hell thing to think about, but when i am stung sharply by my inner meter, it comes forward in my consciousness and i then yearn to keep that tool more in check. case in point: i have a teacher that i respect. i have lately been surprised by some of her teachings, they seem contradictory to what our object is. i come away from work with her with my kneejerk reaction of "that work made me feel uncomfortable" or "i think her choice of words were inappropriate to the work we do". if i stopped there, i suppose i should worry. but what i am glad of, i see now, is that i see myself trying to stay open to the real meaning of my experience. that bit that makes me uncomfortable or perks up my antennae is what the work is really about for me. not just the cozy stuff that makes me feel light inside. sometimes that stinks. i want it to be so much easier. *sigh* i seek to be clear on my inner workins. that takes effort. my reactions to *whatever* speak clearly of my baggage, my unresolved matters. i just hate it sometimes! i want it to be your problem...that would make the conversation in my inner living room so much more simple. on the sunnier side of me, my studio is so satisfying today. with B's help and her table and files, i am fracken organized! here are the jewels i can't live without today: #the song such great heights on an eternal loop-mommies (or anyone interested in naps), get thee to iron and wine-the perfect lullaby. #new soap. #ripe mango for breakfast. shared with blue girlie. #this old friend. #this artist. #the amazing Steve, and her thoughtful wisdom, who does not have a blog! but hopefully soon... my mentor and taos hermana, jennifer louden, is so good at doing these scrumptious closures to her newsletters, so i do feel a bit feeble doing it myself, but i think its worth it. if you don't subscribe to her self- care minder, treat yourself, its free! she's a riot. plus her retreats are insanely worth the money. i send you clean running water into a turquoise glass that reflects its communicative light up into your weary eyes when drank and purifies your cells one by one....