4/10/2006

judgement

i am officially declaring it my deep medicine in life. all of my teachers, chosen and unchosen, are showing me this potential poison. i am at the point where i can feel it physically rising up in me. sometimes the results are positive and sometimes negative. i know it is connected to being a sponge for material. i am an observer-i notice everything. the minute details do not usually slip past me. next step, i immediately form an opinion (note narcissism): i love it, i hate it, its mediocre, its the best ever, i have mixed feelings. operating like a feeling-meter, i am trying to make sense and meaning of the stimulus i come into contact with. this seems at this moment, a boring as hell thing to think about, but when i am stung sharply by my inner meter, it comes forward in my consciousness and i then yearn to keep that tool more in check. case in point: i have a teacher that i respect. i have lately been surprised by some of her teachings, they seem contradictory to what our object is. i come away from work with her with my kneejerk reaction of "that work made me feel uncomfortable" or "i think her choice of words were inappropriate to the work we do". if i stopped there, i suppose i should worry. but what i am glad of, i see now, is that i see myself trying to stay open to the real meaning of my experience. that bit that makes me uncomfortable or perks up my antennae is what the work is really about for me. not just the cozy stuff that makes me feel light inside. sometimes that stinks. i want it to be so much easier. *sigh* i seek to be clear on my inner workins. that takes effort. my reactions to *whatever* speak clearly of my baggage, my unresolved matters. i just hate it sometimes! i want it to be your problem...that would make the conversation in my inner living room so much more simple. on the sunnier side of me, my studio is so satisfying today. with B's help and her table and files, i am fracken organized! here are the jewels i can't live without today: #the song such great heights on an eternal loop-mommies (or anyone interested in naps), get thee to iron and wine-the perfect lullaby. #new soap. #ripe mango for breakfast. shared with blue girlie. #this old friend. #this artist. #the amazing Steve, and her thoughtful wisdom, who does not have a blog! but hopefully soon... my mentor and taos hermana, jennifer louden, is so good at doing these scrumptious closures to her newsletters, so i do feel a bit feeble doing it myself, but i think its worth it. if you don't subscribe to her self- care minder, treat yourself, its free! she's a riot. plus her retreats are insanely worth the money. i send you clean running water into a turquoise glass that reflects its communicative light up into your weary eyes when drank and purifies your cells one by one....

4 Comments:

Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

HO! sister.

i honour your truth,
and delight in knowing your medicine is my medicine, right here, right now.

the buffalo honours all journeys, all paths back to great spirit. a great silver bangle adorned with buffalos adorns my wrist right now. my medicine, my healing.

i no longer wish to make up the rules of how to experience someone or something. i used to be a black/white kinda gal. either someone was good, or they were bad. there were no half way points.

i am learning that this medicine journey is about living in the mystery, not having it all worked out, and everyone and everything around me clearly marked into boxes of WHAT they are {judged by how they make me feel.}

when i judge someone or something, i ignore the great lessons they also bear for me, because i have deemed them beneath me. i distance myself because of the buttons they press in me.

not any longer though. i have seen and i will heal. bless you for sharing your words, friend.

also, that beautiful picture of the talking sticks sparked something in me. a couple of days ago i made my first power tool ~ the goddess of all smudge feathers. it is a dozen magpie and ibis feathers, given to me by the birds on the morning my uncle passed away. they are fastened to a solid branch of earthy wood, adorned with old suede, shells, quartz, desert stone, moonstone and turquoise {my colour}. precious. i am infinitely proud of it.


deep blessings to you goddess~sister,
leonie

p.s. have you read any lynne andrews books? just finished crystal woman. my head fell off {in a good way}

4/10/2006 04:52:00 PM  
Blogger tariansdream said...

that feeling-meter is completely identified. It is the healer, fixer, doer, seer and inspiring force in you... and for me, to be uncomfortable is to a find something I have yet to learn...

4/10/2006 09:37:00 PM  
Blogger Ally Bean said...

I agree with you that clarity takes effort. Our society is always there to muddy the way, long before my insides get in on the game of let's confuse ally.

It sounds like you're making good progress on making yourself whole and healthy. You go girl.

4/11/2006 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

what a beautiful ending to your post. i imagined what you asked me to and i felt cooler, more fresh and soothed. thank you...

Iron & Wine are one of my favorite bands. i love Such Great Heights and yes...i can see it being a wonderful nappie song. do you love Trapeze Singer as well?

i'd love to hear more about your teacher...

4/11/2006 04:17:00 PM  

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