11/26/2006

Witnessing You

I want to remember vividly how you cried out when I picked you up to carry you inside on this particular morning. You seemed to say that the winter sun is never so warm in the morning as it is today! I had to pee and needed to warm my cold coffee and I was finished picking the deck's splintered wood from your crawling knickers that I pull on over your sleeper each morning so your knees won't soil. Every tinkle of the windchime caught your attention, each flap of the pirate flag standing in the corner of the yard on its side from your party nearly two months gone grabbed your eyes. Cats figure-eighted in and out between us yeowing and leaving us draped in long, tabbied hairs.

I want to remember that we left the yard that morning to come inside to get warm and huddle together over oatmeal that smells strangely of bacon. I want to remember the nights that have passed since then, the ones where you cried all night-or most of it-alternately pushing and pulling me toward and from with frustrated grrrrs of teething and sleeplessness.

The business of having babies is not a simple one. I am here purely because of my needling desire to witness your life as only I can. I crank at how lack of sleep interferes with that process, of how my own proneness to grieving the passing present moment tortures me. Built up, these two factions find me tippytoeing on a tightrope of feeling lost in a jungle of wire hangers and madly in love all at the same time. I owe you an apology for thinking I would never feel lost once you got here.

Babies don't cure our empty, gaping holes and short fuses. But you, my son, make this life sweeter than my feeble imagination could have dreamed it to be.

9 Comments:

Anonymous gangie said...

oh my sweet! that was so poignant and heart tugging. i sit here with this lump in my throat and foggy reading glasses in awe and amazement of what you can do with words.
beautiful--so very beautiful.

11/26/2006 05:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

full on, sister.

full on and beautiful.

11/26/2006 07:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Holly said...

sheesh, you really have done it again ; ) thank you for being so real and so beautiful - your words knock me over!

i've wanted a baby forever. maybe since my first period a very long time ago. i think then it was to fill that hole you speak of (i almost wrote "whole" eek!)

by now, i'm at least very familiar with that empty place and know the "me stuff" that will fill it and what will make it echo louder still.

strangely, now that i'm in a settled place and "ready" to receive a baby, the closer i get, the further it feels, and i find myself striving for this crazy ideal of myself before letting go and letting it happen.

your words always soothe thoughts like these and inspire me to jump in... whole, hole, or otherwise!

you are great pixie!

11/26/2006 09:05:00 PM  
Anonymous keri Smith said...

goosebumps!

man that was good.

11/27/2006 05:56:00 AM  
Blogger OmmmMaggie said...

Thank you for sharing (and so eloquently) the struggle you experience everyday, between mourning past and dreaming future, and loving each present moment as it steps out of one or the other. What a beautiful reminder to us all, whether or not we are parents (yet). I gather from your writing that nothing else except parenthood can bring this concept quite so vividly into relief, and I look forward to having my own such awakening.

I love coming to your blog for inspiration, comfort, and the constant challenge to feel deeply - what a gift! Thank you sweetie.

11/27/2006 08:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tears

tears

tears

of happiness and bittersweet

i hear you sister.

11/28/2006 07:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

such wonderful words... i want to remember too.

11/28/2006 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

My pixie chick,

I come to your blog to feel closer to you...but sometimes reading your words and feeling your essence makes me miss you even more! I am lucky to know you!

11/30/2006 02:51:00 PM  
Blogger Love Squalor said...

I found you blog via your interview on Mother Rising and wanted to say hello! This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words - I'll certainly be back for more.

12/01/2006 08:19:00 AM  

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