just a question
"The more we repress our feelings, the stronger they become."-Yu Shu Lien (Michelle Yeoh), Crouching Tiger, Hidden DragonAre you pushing something down, shoving it aside, sweeping it under the rug, denying it, lying about it, shaming yourself for it, burying it with the dead spiders from the windowsill, taking it out with the trash, manipulating it into something it isn't- something more comfortable, something maybe no one will know about, keeping it secret, washing it down the drain, pretending it's nothing, holding it in, letting it build, planting it deep? Could it become a wild monster capable of unplanned devastation? Tell me. Get it out. Post as anonymous if you want to. You are not alone.
posted by pinkcoyote at
3/06/2006 04:58:00 PM
26 Comments:
Don't we all? I know that I'm english and that repressing our feelings is a national characteristic, but I can't be THAT unsual.
I wish and long for love, though if I don't believe that it exists I can't miss it right?
The fear that I will forever be poor. That I won't live up to my potential. That I will not succeed.
I wish I had a stronger sex drive. It feels abnormal in this culture to not want sex more often.
I'm scared that I'm rushing towards a life that I may not even want, and that I won't know that I don't want it until I get there.
I wish I could connect with my family. Sometimes it feels like they don't want me.
I wish I could connect with more friends. Sometimes I feel as if I'm just playing a role.
Lots of roles: the friend role. the daughter role. the relationship role. the career role.
Sometimes I'm not sure where I begin and the roles end.
i feel just like anonymous #2, that i dreamt dreams too big for myself, and i will only continue to fail.
i worry that i will never stop comparing myself to others in every way.
i worry that i don't have any true friends.
i worry that i will never amount to anything.
i worry that i will never have the kind of love i dream of.
I deny that my grief is overwhelming. I deny that the pain of death is beyond comprehension.
I have swept these feelings swiftly under my rug, with the dust bunnies. Not quite time to sweep them away.
Can't bear all the sneezing that would occur.
I'm afraid that if I'm no longer "the one that's always sick", people with start expecting things from me, expecting my to grow up, expecting things that I might not be able to deliver.
i'm SO very afraid to tell my family that my husband has quit going to church...i know they will judge him...i can handle him not going...i just can't handle the judgment from my family and others...
confrontation. avoiding it. not having the energy for it. knowing it's not my shit to confront other than it is constantly being shoved at me like it's mine.
knowing i've moved to a place that is beyond said shit, a place of trust for myself. relying on that trust, pulling the straps secure on my floatation device so my head is kept above the water i am riding in.
HAVING to believe that what I trust in is with me even when my sacred space has tumbled and my time for practice altered. Finding a new way. Fear? Worry? no can't feel them, surprising enough. their bruises have healed; for now, for ever? open, willing, wondering...
anonymous #3 -- you're not alone. I wish I had a stronger sex drive too. Thank you for sharing that.
Oh my Pixie Chick –
I feel tired, lethargic, heavy, headachey, always sick or complaining of a physical ailment. I think it may be too much sugar, not enough exercise, boredom, crankieness…or I feel that maybe it’s depression. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a hypochondriac, or if I just generally feel shitty often. Or maybe I am just hyper sensitive to what my body is telling me and that is a good thing.
I fear that I will never act again...or that I won’t be creative. I fear that I won’t be passionate about anything again…that I will always feel this indifference.
I feel guilt because even though I love our new puppy, after only one week there is a small part of me that misses sleeping in, not worrying about another creature, having my evenings to myself.
I also have fears around my relationship. Do I really want a wedding? Do I really want to get married? Can I be with this person for the long term? And I feel guilt because he is so lovely and upbeat and supportive and I am cranky and judgemental lately.
I do know that the trees are covered in flowers (we have 3 blossoming trees in our front yard!) and the sun is trying to shine and hopefully I will fee better and better as winter retires for the year.
i'm 32 and afraid to learn how to drive. even though i'm a mom of 3 kids, i'm so terrified of the responsibility of being on the road. afraid i'll kill someone, myself or my family by making a mistake.
I am afraid because I think everyone is better than me and it's just a matter of time until they realize that...
I keep trying and failing to leave a relationship I should have left a long time ago. He is much less emotionally healthy, aware, alive, desirous of connection than I am. This is a simple fact. The lack of dynamic reciprocity is killing me on a subconscious level. Yet I stay. Yet I love in the most delicate way someone who is essentially unreachable. Someone who was broken at a very early age; who refuses help. I already have a "wild monster" of shame, confusion, and love all in one. I am so very afraid as I can no longer feel my Self guiding me. Lost.
I sometimes think I want to run away - fly to a far off land and just be alone, by myself. no husband, no child, no one. See what it would be like to actually be alone. I think of it often. I wonder if it's just me running from something else or if it's really something I desire. I don't know...
I fear that I will wait for my lover to return forever. It is one year ago today that he died, and the pain is still as raw as it was the moment i found out he had had a heart attack. I fear that he is so lost to me now that he will never find his way back home. I fear that my heart is now so closed I will never be able to love again.
I don't know what love is supposed to feel like. And that scares me. and if I don't know what love is . . . how can I get married? The question is looming . . . has been for a lifetime. And sometimes I feel like it's eating me alive.
I am afraid underneath my go go exterior I am really lazy, that I will always make my life be difficult, that I will die young, that I am not very smart, that my husband will someday cheat on me.
I too have a low sex drive, that is connected to carrying more weight than I am comfortable with, yet I sabotage all efforts to return to my sexy comfortable weight.
It feels good to get this out, some of it seems silly, some of it leaves me feeling puzzled.
I have a huge secret. My adult son
doesn't know that his father is not his biological father. I was young and we were abandoned. The bio/father made it clear he never wanted aything to do with us. He never has. I feel that I can't tell my son, out of fear that he will feel so hurt by this lie that I have held onto his entire
life. I think about this everyday. It has become my prison.
Sometimes (often, really) when I read the blogs of these creative and wonderful women I get completely shut down. I think I'll never be included in this cool group of women. Maybe I'm not creative enough. Maybe there's just something about me that isn't as interesting, as compelling, as other people. Sometimes I just want to give up so that I don't feel left out anymore.
I am afraid that I'll never FULLY enjoy motherhood.
I am afraid that I'm all talk, and I'll never get anything accomplished.
Oh, and just about everything everyone else has said too.
I am afraid that these TIA's these mini strokes that the Dr's promise won't return, they promise these magic pills and magic shot's will cure forever.. mere men can't make these promise.I was doing what I thought was the necessary changes.. I was working toward less stress... I'm 34. I'm a mother, I am a wife. I am fear now.
Some wise women told me that fear is merely False Evidence Appearing Real. In my heart I believe that to be true, but that doesn't stop me from sometimes manufacturing the evidence.
My greatest fear is my own anger. To express or not to express, that is the question. Is it better to keep it on a choke chain or just unleash the beast?
Meltdown
Fallout
Seeing 50 in a couple of days and still feeling 35, but seeing my 35-year old friends and knowing I’m really not. I thought I was meant to be wiser at 50 and I am only crankier. And yes anonymous, a couple of comments up - viewing all the creativity on the internet and feeling like - what is the point?, it has all been done much better than I could have ever done it. And feeling it is a bit like High School rejection and the ‘beautiful’ people are always the ‘winners’. When I know that is not the way it always is, but sometimes it just feels like that sometimes (especially on flickr). Regardless of those fears and insecurities - something inside pushes me on my path. That one day I will just have enough and walk into my house and tell my husband I want a divorce. That I will wake up one day and see how much time of my life I have wasted! There are so many things I want to accomplish and shit, I am 50 in a couple of days!
i honour and witness each of your secret sharing.
*hands clasped together, head bowed slightly*
in sharing, i see your magnificence.
love,
leonie
To the anonymous with the huge secret. Free yourself from your prison by redefining the word "father". Instead of thinking on biological terms, think only of who was truly "fatherly" to your son. Let that person BE the father. Erase the connection between "father" and "biological".
My issues with food haunt me. I have never been able to maintain a healthy weight for more than a few years. I want to be free from this and have a body I can be comfortable with. I just can't seem to stick with any program for long enough to make it. I have lost over 70 lbs twice and regained it. It makes me sad that I don't seem to be able to overcome this. I have worked so hard on so many other levels and overcome so much including agoraphobia, and a serious autoimmune diseas but this eludes me.
Some words of encouragement to the 32 yr old who is afraid to drive. I was in that exact same place when I was pregnant with my second child. I was deeply afraid to drive, and hadn't driven since I got my license at 18. My husband said to me one day I don't think you are ever going to do it, and something in me just changed. I said "give me the keys" and I've been driving ever since. I used my lamaze breathing to get through the anziety and started off slow- drove to the store and back, then accross town, then to a small city nearby, until I was able to drive anywhere!
I'm giving you the keys. You can do this!
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