Dancing Authentic

I think about and use the word "authentic" a lot. Lately, words that I have used unconsciously are coming to life within my cells in a new and strange way. "Authentic" used to feel like it meant to create my own self from my dreams, wishes and desires. I am feeling now that those dreams, wishes and desires are usually connected to an aspect that is not especially me, perhaps inspired by what someone else is doing with her life, or what may be striking my ultimate fancy in the moment. Today, "authentic" feels like it comes from my bones. When we are infants, we learn to adjust. We read our parents' moods, fears and emotions. We develop a strategy for survival that often betrays our authenticity. We may protect mommy's feelings, stuff our own emotions if our parents' don't like them (especially the angries, saddies), and hide our curiosities, thereby controlling ourselves in order to please mommy and daddy and be "good". These coping strategies are essential to our survival, even moreso in homes where skins are thin and pathology is thick. For me, a first born child, I took pleasing my parent's very seriously. I see that not every child cares to please their parents as much. And I do believe that I learned to betray my authentic self then and do still. Here are my Do's and Don'ts for Authenticity today: Do: Remember the truth of where my struggles originate, this is my roadmap to healing Take off all masks Get angry, emotional, frustrated, sad without caring who sees Make mistakes Fill myself up with what my soul wants Listen to the kind voices inside Write for hours Say Ouch when it hurts Find safe people who want to see the real me Recognize the shadow's impulses See that what I received is easy to give See that what I didn't receive is impossible to give without conscious awareness Have an ugly cry when I need to Remember that strange or out of proportion reactions are childhood talking Don't: Avoid feelings Stuff feelings in "Let go" until I'm absolutely ready Stop feeling until I'm complete Hide from others Defend behavior Overprotect the opening heart Shame Steal for my shadow Take myself out of my feelings when the fear comes Perform for love, approval or affection