2/12/2007

Dancing Authentic

I think about and use the word "authentic" a lot. Lately, words that I have used unconsciously are coming to life within my cells in a new and strange way. "Authentic" used to feel like it meant to create my own self from my dreams, wishes and desires. I am feeling now that those dreams, wishes and desires are usually connected to an aspect that is not especially me, perhaps inspired by what someone else is doing with her life, or what may be striking my ultimate fancy in the moment. Today, "authentic" feels like it comes from my bones. When we are infants, we learn to adjust. We read our parents' moods, fears and emotions. We develop a strategy for survival that often betrays our authenticity. We may protect mommy's feelings, stuff our own emotions if our parents' don't like them (especially the angries, saddies), and hide our curiosities, thereby controlling ourselves in order to please mommy and daddy and be "good". These coping strategies are essential to our survival, even moreso in homes where skins are thin and pathology is thick. For me, a first born child, I took pleasing my parent's very seriously. I see that not every child cares to please their parents as much. And I do believe that I learned to betray my authentic self then and do still. Here are my Do's and Don'ts for Authenticity today: Do: Remember the truth of where my struggles originate, this is my roadmap to healing Take off all masks Get angry, emotional, frustrated, sad without caring who sees Make mistakes Fill myself up with what my soul wants Listen to the kind voices inside Write for hours Say Ouch when it hurts Find safe people who want to see the real me Recognize the shadow's impulses See that what I received is easy to give See that what I didn't receive is impossible to give without conscious awareness Have an ugly cry when I need to Remember that strange or out of proportion reactions are childhood talking Don't: Avoid feelings Stuff feelings in "Let go" until I'm absolutely ready Stop feeling until I'm complete Hide from others Defend behavior Overprotect the opening heart Shame Steal for my shadow Take myself out of my feelings when the fear comes Perform for love, approval or affection

10 Comments:

Blogger Wendy said...

this is a good reminder for all of us!

big love!
w

2/12/2007 03:00:00 PM  
Blogger Ally Bean said...

Such good lists. Thanks. I need to review these weekly-- no daily-- or maybe even hourly some days!

2/12/2007 04:33:00 PM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

this was beautiful. i think i'll read it again...

wonderful to "see" you the other night and wish i saw more.

xo,
boho

2/12/2007 07:34:00 PM  
Anonymous amy said...

your wisdom is boundless, dear one. i'm copying this one into my journal.

thanks for sharing!

xo

amy (formerly coffeeandsunshine---now at www.loverlywings.wordpress.com)

2/12/2007 10:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Lunarmusings said...

I so resonate with these words. I also use the word authentic often. I strive for Spontaneous Authenticity. That unmistakable truth that springs forth from deep deep within the nano second something comes up, or is said or experienced. I am practicing allowing some timespace between that authentic truth and all the mechinations that come up quickly to cover that truth up with the "good girl" mask, or the "supportive one" mask etc.

Its interesting that after so many years of personal work and therapy trying to distinguish between reacting and responding, practicing responding as opposed to reacting as if my life depended on it - i am beginning to see that this was just a tool of my first born/good girl role as well.

The truth is that many times my spontaneous authenticity is messy as all get out. Completely reactive and having no clear agenda as to what is suppose to happen next. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to "train" this authenticity to be more responsive, or if the true healing just comes in its freedom...

Still chewing on that one! But I love coming here. I love the process you share.

I also see that you are reading The Drama of the Gifted Child... small book, huge read! Enjoy!

2/13/2007 04:29:00 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

This is so spot on for what I'm carrying right now, Pix, and I thank you for laying it out. My current struggle is how to integrate the concepts of authenticity and anger, because somehow authenticity became entangled with spiritual development, which became entangled with never being angry. Spiritual people don't get angry, right? They detach with love, right? Reiki principle #1 is pretty simple: Just for today, don't be angry.

But I don't believe that anymore - I don't think being spiritual means cutting myself off from any feeling. In fact, just BEING requires me to BE whatever comes up within me at any given moment. Presently, what's coming up is a lot of anger. I don't believe it will help my spiritual development to send that back down, or "let go" in that way that protects us from actually having to feel it. Feeling is healing. I'm trying not to care who sees it - that part I'm still working on.

I think I'll read your post another time and do some journaling...very powerful stuff, sweetie.

XOXO

2/13/2007 07:49:00 PM  
Blogger Courageous Kat said...

This is fantastic. Thank you.

2/14/2007 11:05:00 AM  
Anonymous Gemma said...

About masks: a wise practitioner of depth healing once wrote that masks are like scabs; there to protect a wound (or at least a tender, unready place) until it heals from the inside out. It is there to perform the functions of skin (personality/self) until real (authentic?) skin grows in its place, and then the scab will fall away of itself. She held that the practice of ripping off masks before their time, whether others' or one's own, was a destructive and ultimately unnecessary act. Patience with the healing/individuating process is all.

2/15/2007 12:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good list. Wish it was as easy as it sounds.
I guess it all comes down to choices.
Choose to change.

1st born pleaser...

2/15/2007 01:06:00 PM  
Blogger Mardougrrl said...

I am going to keep a copy of this for myself, darling Pixie. You are, as always, so wise.

"Don't steal for my shadow" really resonated...I am struggling with some serious shadow issues here lately, and I feel like I'm disappearing.

2/15/2007 09:12:00 PM  

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